I know there's no such word as molden, but you get the idea. Those prime-time award shows are stale, monotonous and shatter the delusions of many people that their favorite celebrities are actually witty and interesting people.

Case-in-point: Jennifer Connelly. She's alluring and smoldering on screen, but her Golden Globe acceptance speech was nothing short of long-winded nothingness delivered in a perfect monotone worthy of paranoid-schizophrenic John Nash himself. After the fifth person thanking his cousin's lawyer's pet chinchilla, I tune out. Literally. Even the vapid Sex and the City (while waiting for Project Greenlight) was better than watching Kate Hudson read off a list of names with less enthusiasm than my dentist could muster.

Even the celebrities themselves looked bored and disgusted. Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton didn't even pretend to be interested — they huddled in a corner and constantly whispered back and forth. They're the freaks in the back of the class making fun of everyone else. (They also give great interviews, in which there are long, awkward silences while both of them just stare intently at the interviewer.

But I make it a point never to criticize and run, so here's some advice from me (the consumer who's supposed to be watching this drivel) on how to make the award shows more interesting, useful and highly-rated (you know, for the myriad celebrities that read our weblog...)

Don't thank people no one has ever heard of. I don't care if Bob Finkelstein saved you from drowning last week - thank him later. Names are boring, people don't listen and you're definitely going to leave someone out. Not to mention that reading a list of names makes you look like a substitute teacher taking attendance. Which leads me to...

Feel free to say something useful or interesting to your captive audience. Even if it doesn't have to do with your award, give us anything other than a list of names. A recipe for your grandmother's award-winning chili, advice on how to get stains out of silk, your personal stock picks or your opinion on any topic whatsoever.

Kiss all 59 people on your way back from getting your award. I don't know about you, but watching 2 minutes of someone scooting around tables and schmoozing is not entertainment — unless someone trips.