I'm a cryptography junkie and a sucker for any movie with the word 'code' in the title. Which is the sole reason I added the Omega Code to my Netflix rental queue. I remember glossing over the online plot description and customer reviews, seeing only the words, "apocalyptic", "technology", and "break the code". Like a moth being pulled to the beaconing, blue glow of the Zap-O-Matic, I was sucked in—only to be fried like a KFC Crispy Strip.

I should have sensed trouble when an ad for the Crossroads Fellowship ("The heart of Crossroads Fellowship is people helping people connect authentically to God, connect vitally to one another and connect effectively with our world.") preceeded the feature. The last thing I want from a film is "help connecting effectively with my world". I'd like a two-hour fantasy-fest with a side order of disconnect from reality, please.

Make no mistake, Omega Code has all of the elements that indicate great movie potential : pending apocalypse, a code that needs cracking, and one man that can save the world. But it lacks any smarts and the plot holes are larger than those created by our friends at the Big Dig. Here is the script, edited for your sanity.

Casper Van Dien's performance is a lesson in bad timing and clueless line delivery. I didn't sense that he cared at all about his wife and daughter or even the death of his mother which was supposedly the catalyst for his crisis of faith. And if I don't believe our hero is having a crisis of faith, then the overhyped moment when he regains his faith in a flash of light is going to mean absoultely nothing to me.

Years pass in odd intervals, noted only by clumsy titles, with no corresponding change in the characters or their clothing. A printer spews decrypted prophecies that read like Burma Shave ditties. And two prophets that rise from the dead are distractingly reminiscent of Randolph and Mortimer Duke from the movie Trading Places.

One family-friendly site lauds the film for promoting the importance of marriage because an older, happily-married couple counsels Van Dien to "make it work" with his wife. It would be an admirable value to promote if Van Dien's wife didn't randomly appear and disappear with all the importance and regularity of a Domino's delivery person for the rest of the film.

My main gripe is that if you're going to propagandize, at least do it well. (Scientologists, take note.) I was insulted by the ending in which Van Dien cries out for God's help and instantly neutralizes the threat to humanity. If life really were that simplistic, good things wouldn't happen to bad people.

If you're looking for a really good, looming-apocalypse movie, try Dogma. If you're in the mood for one that's not as good, try The Seventh Sign. But if you've accidentally slept through church and need a hefty dose of angry-God fundamentalism, you can satisfy your RDA with The Omega Code.