In order to curb my relentless sarcastic comments, I've been fitted with a device that administers painful-but-harmless electric shocks to my left foot whenever I lapse into sarcasm.

In celebrity news: I have been extremely concerned for Halle Berry, upon hearing that she was injured on the set of the new James Bond movie. Imagine my heartfelt worry when I learned that production was halted as Berry was treated for "a slight inflammation" due to dust in her eye. We all wish Halle a speedy recovery and no further wind-bourne particle incidents.

In other news: My left foot just fell off in a smoking mass of quivering flesh.