I've been known to do some translation work here and there. Today I'd like to translate for you the euphemistic instructions on commercial items:

Serving suggestion - "There is not a chance in a million that you can get what's in this package to look like this picture."

Not for children under three - "Please don't sue us."

Contents may settle during shipping - "We've cheated and sold you a half-bag full of air."

Caution: Hot liquid - "Please don't sue us."

Lift to open - "We believe our customers are missing chromosomes and need to be told where to open a box."

Do not ingest - "Please don't sue us."

Best before January 2003 - "This product has a shelf life of 27 years, but we want you to throw it away and buy a new one in six months."

Shake before serving - "We couldn't quite get the mix right, so you get to finish the manufacturing process in your own home."

Sweetened with aspartame - "We put some sweet chemical in here that we really don't know much about. Enjoy. Oh and please don't sue us."