September 24, 2003
Vomit and Poo: A Double Whammy
To cut right to the chase, Trevor threw up all over me when I picked him up at school today -- much to the delight of his teachers who watched, but stayed a good ten feet away. I sort of cleaned us up in the car with baby wipes, but we were still icky. I figured that since the problem is a tickle in his throat from postnasal drip we needed Get Better Bears (cough drops on sticks for kids) to soothe the tickle and stop him from gagging. I stopped the car at CVS and an obnoxious teen ran up to the driver's side window before I even shut off the car. I was vomitous and pissy. I'm not usually this curt with people. Transcript follows:
"Would you like this free newspaper?"
"No, thanks."
"What? Why?"
"I don't read the paper."
"Where do you get the news then, lady?"
He called me "lady." I hate that and I'm pissed.
"Ever heard of the Internet?"
"Uh okay, but here -- just take the free paper."
I toss it on the seat and start rolling up the window.
"Wait! Do you want to help me go to college?"
"Not especially."
"But I really want to go to college and if you subscribe..."
"I told you I don't read the paper."
"But if you..."
"No."
"Well you just have to..."
"No."
"It's easy and I..."
"No."
At this point I throw the free paper back out of the window at him.
"Why don't you give this to someone who actually wants to send you to college, because I don't." (I can't believe I said that.)
He's floored.
"But it's free!"
I take it back from him.
"Well okay then."
I roll up the window and he runs to the other side of the parking lot. I think he saw the murderous glint in my eye. Whoever made the assertion that salespeople should never take no for an answer should be forced to sit in a car, covered in vomit while a teenager tries to sell you dead trees when you've got all of the world's newspapers at your fingertips on broadband. Oh and not to mention the fact that I work for a publishing company. There are usually a few daily papers hanging around the office. Like seventy.
Then, to add to my already whack day I start taking the empty trash cans in from the curb at home and someone -- some THING -- has taken a poo in our empty garbage can!
Was it a garbageman with an emergency?
A Republican neighbor?
A very large animal that can get in and out of a four-foot trash can without knocking it over -- like a giraffe?
And what do I do with the poo? It's already IN the garbage, so I don't have to throw it out, but it stinks to high heaven and it's obviously not bagged. It was trash day today, so that means the poo has to stay in that can for an entire week! Should I bury it somewhere? Try to bag it? What the hell was with the Universe today?!