November 2, 2003
Brother Bear
By Tara "I don't believe in spoiler warnings so this is your last chance to look away" Liloia
If you want to see a breathtaking and moving film about a character's journey to discover his true nature and come to terms with the sudden and violent loss of a family member, rent The Lion King. If you want to see the milquetoast version of the same film, go see Brother Bear.
It's as if Disney has these index cards. And they're labeled with things like, "Great all-knowing spirits in the sky", "Missing mother", "Funny, yet seriously wise shaman character", "Headstrong male who denies his true nature", "Misguided relative who becomes the enemy" and "Goofy duo for comic relief." And the writers put all of these cards into a raffle roller and start yanking them out.
"Hey Bob, looks like we've got ourselves a completely unique hit here — this time, we're starting the movie with the "goofy duo for comic relief" instead of the "funny, yet seriously wise shaman character! And, Bob, the goofy duo is going to be in-your-face-Canadian voiced by people who have considerably less talent than Nathan Lane did as Timon!"
Bob smiles knowingly and pats his stuffed wallet.
"That's why I pay you guys the big bucks."
It must be nice to crank out crappy, half-baked work and still rake in dough. I crank out crappy, half-baked work every day here for free. The humanity!
Brother Bear is a Phil Collins and Tina Turner enhanced whinefest. If I'm going to sit through a whinefest, I at least want a score that features Elton John. And Tina... we all know her best film work was Mad Max, so let's just forget about this Brother Bear misstep.
I'm tired of the whole Native American-as-perfect-earth-dweller card being played. Native Americans are kind and wise and good to their aging parents and don't eat refined sugars or partially hydrogenated vegetable oils and they're so connected to the laaaaand. Woooooo. Could I please see a Disney animated movie about one young man's epic journey to the National Indian Gaming Association annual meeting?
Anyway, back to Brother Bear. On a mom level, there was way too much casual hitting in this movie. It's one thing to watch a scene where a character is hurt and everyone else in the movie steps back and gasps. It's quite another to have characters slapping each other around for laughs during most of the movie. Only a handful of really dumb (yet strangely resourceful) kids are going to throw themselves in front of stampeding wildebeests à la Mufasa. But a bunch will probably copy the "good-natured" smacking around in Brother Bear.
See this movie if you've got a kid and you're absolutely dying to get out of the house — otherwise yank The Lion King off the shelf and give it another showing.
And I'm not going to even bother to give it a review, but don't, under any circumstances, pay valid US legal tender to see Good Boy. You'd think I have the brains and movie-trailer savvy to figure that out before seeing the movie. Apparently not.