October 19, 2004
I just spent an hour getting cream cheese out of a tube
Normally in the morning, I stop by the local greasy spoon to grab a coffee and some breakfast. This morning there was a sign on the door which read:
"Due to a sudden death in the family, The Hidden Kitchen will be closed Thursday, September 30th."
That stinks. Not only did they lose a family member, but now I have to drink the bad office coffee. It actually isn't that bad, as long as I drink the coffee that Torrey and I have, that stuff is at least halfway decent. We have a coffee pot that has been handed down from office dweller to office dweller. Each time someone gets promoted to another location or out into the field, it is left behind. Like the unwanted children from a failed marriage it stays behind waiting for the next adoptive parent. The fabric covered walls of the cube it sits in serve as a makeshift foster home for this device. Regardless of its lineage, the coffee is good and strong.
The crap which is available in the cafeteria tastes like the watered down cappuccino's I used to get at the Quick Stop near Tara's parents house in the Winter. There was a reason they were only 89 cents for about half a gallon of caffeinated liquid. At the time, they were salvation against the cold interior of my 1986 Pontiac 6000. Even though the heat worked, there were always spots that stayed cold. The thin paper/plastic (does anyone really know what they are made of?) let enough heat through to keep my fingers warm on the rides back to school or home.
I grudgingly turned around and walked back to the office wondering what I was going to eat in lieu of my traditional eggs in the morning.
This past summer, my company added some new vending machines. One of them holds ice cream, some bad looking lunches and a few breakfast items. I nabbed a frozen cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and started opening it. The bagel was popped into the microwave to warm up. While I waited, I grabbed a plate and knife. Then I realized something. The cream cheese was frozen, and in a metal foil package to boot. This meant that I couldn't defrost it in the microwave without starting a fire.
What genius thought this up? On the package there are no instructions that the cream cheese should not be warmed with the bagel. Knowing that people like my father exist in the universe gives me satisfaction. I revel in knowing that the bagel purveyors technical support line is plagued with microwave fires on a daily basis.
Don't misunderstand; my father is a good guy, well meaning and all. The microwave oven was not properly rolled out to the masses in its introduction to the oven loving suburbs, and thus caused many problems. I think my dad must have put two or three foil wrapped potatoes into microwaves, and ruined just as many before it sunk in. Metal, bad. Metal, bad.
This also should include the few coffee mugs which were detailed on the top edge with a bronze band of metal, from which sparks flew. It's a damn good thing he is a good salesman and kept winning the stinking things and keeping them in the basement. My family went through more microwaves than most families went through cartons of milk for a while there. Fun fun.
Having learned from his mistakes, I did not attempt to include this creamy packet with the currently rotating bagel. Having outsmarted the device, I stood smugly waiting for my bagel until I remembered that the cream cheese was still frozen solid. At first I thought I could open the package all the way and place the cream cheese onto a separate plate for warming outside of the foil. This proved fruitless as the foil wrapper was more durable than my strength could handle. (Mental note - The day a package of cream cheese beats me in an arm wrestle is the day I decide to start working out)
Next I tried to take the already open corner and squeeze the frozen mass out, without thawing. Square peg, round hole and a moment later Dave thinks better of it. In the end I placed the cream cheese across my coffee mug like an aluminum ant bridge. The steam from the coffee warmed it up in about 15 minutes at which point I was able to force it out of the tube.
Did I overcome this puzzle with intellect and logic, or was I less than average and stumped by this simple packaging longer that I should have been? I would like to think that the first statement is more accurate, but without validation from my peers it is uncertain. Therefore I write this in the hope that I will either be chided or praised for my efforts. Either way is cool, whatever dude.