January 4, 2006
Two more signs...
You know, getting to the final act of an apocalypse is a long and involved process. Most horror movies (and Dan Brown, I bet, too) would have you believe that opening a vial of some deadly bioweapon or summoning four skeletal horsemen in an ancient temple will do it... not so.
There are over thirty-three thousand universally agreed-upon signs of the apocalypse. (Universally agreed-upon by the large body of apocalypse scholars worldwide at our annual conference: Is It Over Yet? Unfortunately, the 2005 event was slightly marred by a miscommunication in which Tom DeLay was accidentally booked as the keynote speaker; however, after careful consultation of the 33,000 omens of doom, it was deemed, as we say in the business, "just fine", as Rep. DeLay has his own little part to play in the demise of our species.)
I have personally catalogued 1,588 of these omens for my upcoming book: "The Apocalypse and You: Perfect Together" (working title, which may change to "The Apocalypse: We'll win you over," we also toyed with "The Apocalypse is for Lovers" and "Apocalypse: Live Free or Die").
So let's all give a mighty shout-out for the destruction of all civilization as we count down #1,249 and #24,687 on the Rockin' Revelations Eve Chart:
Electronic devices spontaneously turning into flesh.
And the shocking newcomer...
Potty Time Elmo asking children if they would like to die.
Though we of the apocalyptic studies field appreciate the subtlety of the former portent, you'll agree that the latter sign, though heavy-handed and amateurish, shows good potential and taps an entirely new market for apocalypic harbingers—toddlers in diapers. This kind of niche marketing for Doomsday is as-yet untried, and may result in a great word-of-mouth campaign among the 18-24 month demographic.
That concludes this week's installment of Fun with the End of the World. Join us next week when we explore the gravitational effects of meat rocks and the implications of the premature graying of Anderson Cooper's hair.