July 30, 2002
Leader of whale suicide cult meets with MA senators
Won't they just let us die?
The charismatic leader of the Pilot whale cult, coincidentally named Richard Dawson, but no relation to the former Family Feud host, met with Massachusetts legislators to discuss religious freedoms today. Approximately 40 members of his group, The Church of The High and Everlasting Blood of the Manantee, beached themselves along Cape Cod in an apparent group suicide attempt yesterday.
Well-meaning vacationers along the Cape spent several hours hoisting the whales back into the water. One parishoner of The Church of The High and Everlasting Blood of the Manantee told reporters, "Time was, you could just throw yourself up on a beach to die and no one would bother you. Nowadays, people are dragging you back into the water all proud of themselves. Just leave us alone!"
Dawson, who has led the whale cult since 1992, addressed several senators in a closed chamber regarding his position on religious freedom, "The Constitution of this United States provides for the expression of one's beliefs. We, The Church of The High and Everlasting Blood of the Manantee, chose the Massachusetts shoreline for our group ascent into Heaven, in part, because of the liberal slant to this state's legislature. We had hoped to attain our highest spiritual goal with your blessing."
Dawson's efforts were hampered by the fact that humans cannot understand whale speech. "I just hear a high-pitched squeaking. Like the screen door on my back porch." said Senator Stanley C. Rosenberg of Amherst. "It's a damn shame," said Senator Steven A. Baddour of Methuen, "he seems very earnest. I wish we knew what he was saying."
After the closed session, the senators assisted Dawson back into the waters off Cape Cod, after which, he promptly threw himself back onto the beach. "They're messing up our chance at Nirvana." lamented one pilot whale who asked not to be identified.
"Perhaps it's because we don't have a corporate sponsor like those Heaven's Gate people did. Do you think maybe Speedo or Sea Doo are interesting in sponsoring our mass suicide?"
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